A Night At Blender's

I have just experienced the drinking weekend to end all drinking weekends, and only now have I summoned the courage to put pen to paper (or whatever the e-mail equivalent is). I do believe I've recovered enough to write this...although I do it with shaking hands. The story opens as follows... I work part time at a nightclub called Madfish Willie's… that's all you need to know. A couple of times a year we take our Corner of the Bar Gang cash fund and go do something cool with it… like river rafting. Sunday, we decided to go down to Evil Glenn's bar and cause a ruckus down there... but I'll get to that in a minute... the night before, Madfish Willie's had an anniversary appreciation night where everyone who showed up received five tickets good for free drinks... since I only work on Fridays and usually don't come in at all on my days off… everyone was surprised as hell to see me there. Free booze… of course I'm gonna show, jeebus... the waitresses were buying me shooters… I bought them shooters… enjoyed my free booze… danced up a storm… did a whole lot of yelling and ass-grabbing… and don't remember a goddamn thing… but we do have some pictures.

I got a call Sunday morning from my buddy Blackfive… he asked if I could pick up Harvey and bring him out to Madfish Willie's house for the pre-trip barbecue... Super-groggy and massively hung over, I managed to get Harvey and drive out to Madfish's for the festivities… which got off to a great start when one of the guys started pissing off the front porch in view of the neighbors... we headed around back to start drinking some more… some of the guys had been up all night after the club drinking and were fucking incoherent… and the kegs were in full force… Blackfive had his sixer of beers in one hand… Harvey had a kool-aid pitcher of beer in the other at all times… amply topped off with several judicious trips to the beer keg downstairs. As the Corner of the Bar Gang are wont to do, the testosterone level got higher and higher… and the plans we had for Evil Glenn's bar were becoming more outrageous by the minute.

Pulling into Evil Glenn's bar - Blender's - parking lot… we disembarked and took care of various points of business. I had to change clothes… Harvey felt the need to kneel down by rear wheel well of the bus to puke and take a piss… the other boys headed inside. Now, Lord Spatula doesn't turn 21 until July 6… but this was the 4th… no big deal, right?… WRONG… Evil Glenn, was being a total asshole about it… he was adamant that there was no way Spatula could stay with the rest of us. Unfortunately, for Evil Glenn, Blender's only had 2 bouncers on staff plus Evil Glenn… there was 13 of us... do the math folks... Blackfive started musing aloud about how far he thought some of the chairs could go off the balcony… and the mood started to turn surly again… I guess that Evil Glenn was somewhat concerned… because five minutes later Harvey looked outside and said "Oh shit, the Federales"... it was pretty funny… they were all like "maybe you should head back to Texas or else you could spend a couple of days in lock up here with us"… with their hands right by their guns the entire time.

Now Evil Glenn is, quite frankly, a mouthy little bastard... and a skinny little crybaby prick… he'd been popping off a load of stupidity since forever… and we were getting tired of his shit… but, we were trying not to pay any attention to him today… just ignoring his dumb ass. Harvey stood up and said "Blackfive, our head doorman wants to make a speech"… Evil Glenn popped off "oh, you mean he's going to give us head because he's the head doorman?"… Dead silence… I gave Madfish a look and he gave the same one back… "Oh shit."… Blackfive, who had been drinking since the previous evening, and is an extremely dangerous bastard SOBER stood up, took two big steps over to Evil Glenn and loudly gave him the verbal thrashing of his life... I mean he really jacked Evil Glenn up… ripped him a new ass… Damn…just as I thought it was done… WHACK… a bitch slap across the face to accentuate the point being made.. WHACK… another bitch slap… WHACK… one more bitch slap…Evil Glenn's head was spinning around… his mouth was bleeding… he was crying like a baby… we had to pull Blackfive off him before this got out of hand. Did I mention that we were peeing into a bucket in the back of the bus… I may have pictures of that too...

Well… Evil Glenn decided that we'd had more than enough fun… and ended up giving a bunch of shit to Madfish and Finn the Viking… eventually calmer heads prevailed… actually Harvey jostled Evil Glenn out of there before Madfish and Finn the Viking beat his ass to a pulp… after all who didn't want to exterminate that puppy blending, hobo murdering, kangaroo humping, crappy tatood, pengiun porn watching, satan-worshipping, commie, sailing bastard… but tonight was the Corner of the Bar Gang's night… no killing of Evil Glenn tonight… he get's an undeserved respite… we piled up onto our rental bus to head to Mexico... as well pulled out of the parking lot, Finn the Viking took the bucket, leaned out the side window and poured it over Evil Glenn's head yelling Die, Evil Glenn, Die. By this time it was getting close to four… I get the festivities started up again… imagine 13 big, hammered-beyond-belief, surly-one-minute/happy-the-next Corner of the Bar Gang guys riding down to the border in one bus... yeah you got it... Carnage... surprisingly enough people settled down long enough to cross the border without incident.. but as soon as we got across, we all stuck our heads to the windows… and started screaming the "Kumbayah" song as loud as we could.

Someone went looking for Blackfive… he was face down in a field two blocks down the road… while the rest of us piled back onto the bus and waited for Spatula to come back… since he couldn't get booze at the bar, he ran down to the liquor store and bought booze there… no ID check... Mexico is great, ain't it?

We went back across the border… Kumbayah in full effect… and went to Corpus with the intention of partying at the Ocean Beach Hotel… we still had some excess energy to burn off… so we started scrapping each other in the bus… I had Blackfive in a front facelock and was choking him… so he stuck his thumb in my right eyeball and pushed for all he was worth... while this was going on, I felt this strange pain on the top of my head… so I looked up with my remaining eye and Finn the Viking was head butting me with full force... then the dog pile collapsed… I lost my contact lens.

As we pulled into Corpus… we decided to take a walk up the pier and use the sea breeze to clear our heads… once we got to the end of the pier… it seemed only right that folks strip down to their skivvies and jump into the water… in full view of families with children, tourists and the like... after attracting an extremely large and appreciative crowd with our fun-loving alcoholic water sport shenanigans, we all went running down the pier and down the main drag of Corpus… dripping wet in our Calvin Klein's all the way to the bar... we got in… the head bouncer there used to work with us… and kept drinking various beverages while taking pictures and earning weird looks... Lord Spatula puked all over a table… and Blackfive and Finn the Viking and Harvey tried to rush the stage during the bikini contest… but that's another story for another day... Needless to say… it's two days later… I can't move my right shoulder more than a couple of inches... I'm also blind in my one eye… and can't see out the other (until I get my new contacts)… and have a fat lip with a good gash on the inside.

Remember kids…free booze + excessive testosterone = good times… can't wait to get those pix developed… they'll probably perform a citizen's arrest on me immediately when I show up to get 'em...I wonder if we can get Harvey to share with us the tale of the bikini contest?

~~Eric, Straight White Guy