86 Rules of Boozing

Today: Rules 71-86

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice. [hell, I do this all the time... when it's time to go, I go]


72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass. [pay fucking cash as you go next time dickhead]


73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it. [if you sneak it to the bar, you deserve to have your ass kicked]


74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink. [heh... you to the back of the fucking line]


75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. [it all makes you stupider than you already are]


76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar. [fuck the idiot who does this]


77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .” [so why the fuck are you asking for it?]


78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying. [wait till buys all the drinks, then kick his ass]


79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you. [don't ficking come back at all, thjat's why you were kicked out]


80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way. [why?]


81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor. [not true at all, it's just clear]


82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work. [meh]


83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call. [you are twice as drunk after midnight, dumbass]


84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it. [and it better not be some fucking fruity flavored schnapps]


85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss. [depends on who you are sharing it with... abeautiful babe or some big smelly hairy bastard]


86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink. [no shit]

Next Time: The Complete List cragerized for your protection!