86 Rules of Boozing


Today: Rules 71-86

  1. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice. [hell, I do this all the time... when it's time to go, I go]

  2. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass. [pay fucking cash as you go next time dickhead]

  3. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it. [if you sneak it to the bar, you deserve to have your ass kicked]

  4. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink. [heh... you to the back of the fucking line]

  5. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. [it all makes you stupider than you already are]

  6. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar. [fuck the idiot who does this]

  7. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .” [so why the fuck are you asking for it?]

  8. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying. [wait till buys all the drinks, then kick his ass]

  9. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you. [don't ficking come back at all, thjat's why you were kicked out]

  10. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way. [why?]

  11. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor. [not true at all, it's just clear]

  12. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work. [meh]

  13. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call. [you are twice as drunk after midnight, dumbass]

  14. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it. [and it better not be some fucking fruity flavored schnapps]

  15. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss. [depends on who you are sharing it with... abeautiful babe or some big smelly hairy bastard]

  16. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink. [no shit]

Next Time: The Complete List cragerized for your protection!

» by Madfish Willie on December 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Whiskey Stuff

Trackbacks to 86 Rules of Boozing

Yay!!!! Your sidebar is ON THE SIDE!!!!!! Yay!!! (Now vote in the New Blog Showcase Today, or else!!!!)

Posted by: Susie on December 28, 2003 09:01 AM

You have done the public a great service by posting these. Let me buy one for the Bartender.

Posted by: Harvey on December 29, 2003 10:50 AM